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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

one clipped night

one of the things that boggle my mind, yet drive me insanely hot, is when a girl has to beg for her own poison. its fucked up some of the things i beg for...and i don't do it nearly enough either.i begged Master about a week ago to allow me to wear my clips on my tits all night. i'd done it twice before...i know i was going to be hurting...and thats exactely what i wanted. i wanted to hurt, i wanted to suffer and endure....for Master. for once, i had to admit to myself, that i wanted to hurt for HIM, not for me. i didn't want to feel any sort of pain because of some self destructive scheme i always had going on in my head. i didnt want it to overcompensate for cutting myself, or to use drugs or any sort of chemical. i wanted to fall asleep to my tits being clipped...for my Daddy. when Master said, "go ahead litte girl" after begging to put the clips on, my heart sank in such a good way. i felt butterflies in my stomache. i felt like........ughhhh this is so embarassing!!!...................... i felt like i was actually sleeping with Him. distance wasn't going to fuck with how my Daddy breaks me. i didn't want it to.i made sure to get everything out of the way before putting the clips on. i wanted to be done completely moving for the night..because i knew, once i put them fuckers on, i was going to be trapped.i sat up in bed, putting one clip on one nipple, then gently putting my tit back down, and same for the other one. i layed down, and squinted and said "OUCH" a few different times. i'm totally ok with the clips being on my tits, up until they move around. i swear if having big tits wasnt such an awful curse as a child and teenager, having them even bigger as an adult, and being owned is just as worse!!! grrrrrrrrr. i could barely move my leg without my tit moving. i laid in bed, dreaming of being able to see Him in just a short time. my cunt was sore from coming my brains out to Him. already. but it ached even worse. by that time, i was so tired and worn out from breaking and crying, i just wanted to drift off into sleep...feeling Him so close to me.the last thing i remember thinking before i drifted off into sleep was, "fuck, i'm going to have to take these off by myself. pleease god dont make them stick to my nipple. pleeease dont make them pierce me when i take them off. fuck fuck fuck!" i must admit i had this sense of panic come over me. of course i could just as easy take the clips off, and lie to Master that i wore them all night. but i wanted this soooo bad. i'm the one who begged for this....and quite honestly, i'm sick of seeing how far away i can get away with something, and trying to get passed Him. i know whwere it gets me...i've been living the consequences of my anger and trying to show that i am strong, independant, dont need a man, dont need a daddy, and i dont need anyone to help get me off.i fell asleep. i was quite comfortable in the position i laid myself, with my bunny foo foo pressed against my tits so they wouldnt move. i'd woken up at one point in the night, and hadmoved, when i felt a really hard tug on my tit...it made me jolt and open my eyes in fucking pain torture! i tensed my body...but i was so tired,i fell right back asleep.i only ended up being able to endure the clips for about 4 hours or so....because it was some time after 6am that i woke up, not able to take it anymore, and knew i wouldnt be able to get back to sleep with them on.i sat up in bed, begging under neath my breath that my Master show mercy on me...pretending that somehow, He could hear me begging to be gentle with me. thinking He could hear the fear in my crying out....i was petrified to take them off. and i was wide awake with seering pain in my fucking tits. in that sort of mindset....all i could do is feel so sorry for everything i've ever done to Him. the things i've done that were against Him, and His will. all the hurt i've put on myself, that He's had to sit and watch me do, when He has so many other things He'd rather be doing with me. right then i felt angry, and i just didnt think, and took them BOTH off at the same time.i leaned over my leg, my head burried into my bed screeeeeching "MOTHERFUCKERRRR OUCHHHH OUCHHHH OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'MSORRY DADDY I'M FUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I'M SO SORRY BROKKKKKKENNNNNN!!!GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR."i cried for a few minutes. still so tired. i let myself see for a change that......i'm not strong...i can't get away with anything, that i do break!i was fucking broken. all night, since i put them on, i felt so trapped. trapped in such a sweet, secure, vulnerable way that i always dream of deep inside of being.i'm hundreds of miles away from Him right now.....that doesnt stop my heart from letting my Daddy in to hurting me the ways He wants to. breaking me right from where He is. i can't deny myself forever the inevitable....seriously....i'm fucked, i want to be a broken pain cunt. a come whore. a whipping canvas. a brainwashed puppet on a string. a walking talking carbon copy of my Masters will......a Daddys girl.