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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

so i am finally deciding to get back to writing...

its so hot out here...but not as hot as it was earlier. i still feel the sand between my toes, in my hair, even on some parts of my skin.

i decided to allow myself a special treat and head to the beach today...with friends at that! who invited me to go even! all too often, i bitch piss moan and groan that i dont have any friends, and when i'm invited to do stuff, i always find SOME excuse not to go or something. i'm glad i chose differently...even if my aunts are pissed off at me right now.

i was able to do some writing, while "gossiping" the girl talk...laid out on a blanket, on the hot sand, watching the horizon, rich yachts coming towards the booeys and anchoring there.

sometimes i get into these modes where i dont write for so long, simply because i just dont have the want and will to spill the things out, in a tangible way, for anyone to read them...

however, i find myself ALWAYS in an internal battle for what i want most, and what i hate, but so use to. it takes me so far away from myself...from my Master even.

the last few days i've been trying to sit and write about all the things i'm angry at. when i finish writing for that time, i still don't feel complete, i dont feel any anger has lessened. it all still feels just as strong as it was when i started writing.

which, saying that to myself helps me truly believe my Master when He says that its always anger, its always father, always mother....

the tihngs i've been writing about that have me so angry, are all present stuff. i mean, for me they are as real as the green grass that my toes are sitting on...however, i need to reach back further than the things of the present... theres some anger even in resisting to go back to the root of things...so much resistance...too much work i say! but not really...work is the best thing for my soul. it opens me up, it focuses me on the task at hand, and it helps me learn about myself, and the constant compulsions i always seem to choose. i know i need to take more time to write about whats REALLY fucking pissing me off...whats REALLY eating away at my insides...even if its the same shit i deal with all the time inside my head.

so far, this is what i've come up with that has me bothered and angry...

My anger is risen…I feel it in more ways than not.
Right now I feel most of my anger directed at me. I feel so much anger, when I think about my marriage with tim. I’m angry that I feel as though I wasted so many years. Angry that I let him back in my life after being separated for over a year. Angry that I was still fucked up in the head when we tried to work things out. Angry that I pushed him away by cutting him down, trying to correct everything he did, not putting any faith or trust in him to make decisions, angry that I hit him, pushed him, fucked with his head. Angry that I too cheated on him. I loved two men at the same time and never told the either of them. I’m angry at myself for loving him so much, yet wishing he would be almost the opposite of who he was. Angry that he couldn’t stick by me. Angry that he never met any of my needs. Angry that all I fucking do is worry about comfort. I’m angry that I don’t have much of any closure with tim. Angry that he treated my heart as if I never had any sort of feelings. Angry that he found a younger girl with 4 kids, to give him what he wanted. Angry I couldn’t give him what he wanted.

I’m angry at my aunt for forcing so much shit down my throat. Angry that she holds onto me too, because of comfort. Angry that she made me feel so sad and guilty for all the hurt I caused her and making her cry and worry about me from using all the drugs..held my hair when I puked, stuck by my side through the abortion, yet throws it all aside because she’s so drunk. I’m angry that she shoved that coke in my fucking face. I’m angry at myself for not walking away. Angry at all the doors I let myself open to find it so hard to walk away from using drugs and alcohol. I’m angry that my aunt tries so hard to rectify her mistakes through me to make herself feel better. Angry that she doesn’t see me. Angry that she must have it her way or no way.

I’m angry at Meredith for walking out of my life. I’m angry that even if she fell off the wagon, she couldn’t contact me to let me know she couldn’t be my sponsor anymore. I’m angry that she just dropped me and totally forgot about me, as if I was nothing at all.

I’m angry that I feel so disposable to everyone in my life.

I’m angry at suzie for the way she treats lily sometimes. I’m angry that she doesn’t fucking do something with her life. Angry at how she takes her own anger and frustration out on lily. Angry that she wont talk about much, or remember the shit that has taken place in her own life. Angry that she wont see it, to help her and lily.

yeah....thats all i have right now....and even re reading it for me...still makes me angry reading it. i've not really faced the facts on some of these things...

the last few nights i've had hard dreams about tim....my whole failure with that, fear of being alone....and, its hard to talk with my Master about it, because tim is my soon to be ex husband..talking with about that with my Master, the Man that i love more than anything, and feel as though i am madly in love with..just seems awkward...then i also worry about pissing Him off, or even making Him feel awkward or hurting His feelings.

yep...definately some more work to do...

right now, i have to check out our new pool....