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Thursday, August 27, 2009


this song...whew....yes....its what i feel...its what i believe my Master teaches all His slaves....before lennon even wrote it : )

"Love is real , real is loveLove is feeling , feeling loveLove is wanting to be lovedLove is touch, touch is loveLove is reaching, reaching loveLove is asking to be lovedLove is youYou and meLove is knowingwe can beLove is free, free is loveLove is living, living loveLove is needed to be loved"

Sunday, August 23, 2009

i just found out...

ok, maybe not JUST found out..more so along the lines of, i'm done lying to myself.....

~i really know NOTHING as to what it means to serve, surrender, give, obey~

maybe i'm not a slave after all? if it were a profession, i'd be fucked! screwed, glued, and double tattoo'd....

then again i'm kinda the same way with life in general...

but i KNOW how to fucking survive...my way.

see, not so slave like after all huh.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

slappy tittie comes

so late/early in the morning....i think i passed the final kidney stone.....it was theeeeeeeeeeee worse thing EVER!!! i'd rather beg to wear sand papered bras for the REST of my life, if i was promised to never ever again feel the pain of a kidney stone.....

last night when i saw Master, i ached for Him. still reeling from my awful belly pain...i wanted to feel closer to Him. being so far away right now, any infliction He puts on me, makes me feel closer to Him, even if that means i'm doing it myself....the mere fact that i'm asking/begging to let pain be inflicted on me is a huge feat, since i'm usually one to do it all anyways.

Master allowed me to slap my titties until i comed. i comed REALLLLY hard. i didnt care if anyone could hear slap noises coming from my room, or the whimpering. i was scared to touch my clit as far as rubbing goes, because of the stones i passed early in the morning, but after i comed hard from slapping my tits, i needed to come from my clit.

its intimate for me, when i do something that my Master may not even know i really did. it holds me closer to Him....and i think He would know whether or not i do as He says, by my presence. its easy for me to get away from things because i'm so far away from Him in distance right now. but, i could be in the same room with Him, and feel even further away than what distance could do. i run away alot, i hide, i resist.....and i ache to have that shit taken away. but it all comes from my own will.

i'm tired of running, i'm tired of getting away with shit. or so i think i'm getting away with something. His worse punishment ever.................is letting a girl get away with it....


thank You Daddy for the slappy tittie comes last night. and for the hard, low, breaking clitty come.

i love You.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

this girl really needs her Daddy...

i hate hurting when its not inflicted by Him........

i hate hurting when i don't even choose to hurt.

Monday, July 27, 2009

sandpapered tits

while i begged and begged for my Master's punishment and devotion of wearing sand paper in my bra for a whole day, the agonizing pain was kind of short lived by the seering pain of passing kidney stones....i'd never ever experienced it before and when i did??? OMG! i was quite the trooper i thought for a little while, dealing with the pain not wanting to wake anyone up....but it just ended up getting too intense and i was begging and pleading for help.

all day yesterday, after th enight before when i ripped the sand paper out of my bra after wearing them for almost 9 hours....the pain was fucking unbearable!

i thought i was getting off kind of easy, which seemed like a relief, and a disappointment all at the same time.....when i put the sand paper in my bra i just thought, "oh this wont be hard at all, my big tits are in this bra good, not much moving around, etc. et.c" but noooo way! after awhile, it was fucking HORRIBLE!!!

i wasnt able to even wait for Master's approval to take them out....i couldnt do it anymore! i broke! in the way He wants me to be. i felt scared to move in any direction, in any way. i'm thankful and blessed He gave me the gift of enduring and hurting and devoting my property to Him.

the constant burning has gone away, but i do still feel the pangs of my poor nipples sore and on fire now and then....as if there is a really bad rash on my tits.....

i want to hold onto this pain, and allow Him to inflict as much as He wishes onto me, instead of me doing all the hurting to myself.

its about time i give something to Him...

for me, time to get more sleep.....pleeeeae let these stones pass or whatever the fuck they have to do! this fucking HURTS!

Friday, July 24, 2009

a poem

i wrote this poem for my Master awhile ago....

it was so great to see Him.....not so great to leave and be so far away from Him. it was so great to see faith, connect deeper with her, and share the time we did. i'm missing her so bad. there are some things, that a poly relationship is so healthy for....she adds to that.

sigh.... i will write more later...i just wanted to share my poem...

as i openly start to face my day,
i feel the tug of Your care, guiding my way.
each step i take, i want it to count,
each breath i take, i want my heart to surmount.
the pull of Your force, of all that is bright,
and my heart molded to life, this is my sight.
You have Your wants and all Your dreams,
i want them all, without my anger's extremes.
my heart opens up, and i know i could fall,
deep into the darkness, and fear of it all.
but thats so much harder, than being real.
i am home when my cunt, responds to how i feel.
You are my mountains and You are my sun,
and more than anything, i want us to be molded into one.
Unison and peace, harmony and love,
i know i capable, of all the above.
i may walk this day, with empty hands,
but Your will surrounds me, like the ocean's sands.
i know You, i want You, and all You represent,
i want to stand not for the past, but what is present.
i want to be Your slave, Your anger and cow,
i need You to teach me Master, please show me how.
a cree i'll make, for each day i awake,
"how can i please Him, all for His sake?"
because when i follow You,i know my heart is true.
and when i vulnerably face the day,i am facing towards You.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

one clipped night

one of the things that boggle my mind, yet drive me insanely hot, is when a girl has to beg for her own poison. its fucked up some of the things i beg for...and i don't do it nearly enough either.i begged Master about a week ago to allow me to wear my clips on my tits all night. i'd done it twice before...i know i was going to be hurting...and thats exactely what i wanted. i wanted to hurt, i wanted to suffer and endure....for Master. for once, i had to admit to myself, that i wanted to hurt for HIM, not for me. i didn't want to feel any sort of pain because of some self destructive scheme i always had going on in my head. i didnt want it to overcompensate for cutting myself, or to use drugs or any sort of chemical. i wanted to fall asleep to my tits being clipped...for my Daddy. when Master said, "go ahead litte girl" after begging to put the clips on, my heart sank in such a good way. i felt butterflies in my stomache. i felt like........ughhhh this is so embarassing!!!...................... i felt like i was actually sleeping with Him. distance wasn't going to fuck with how my Daddy breaks me. i didn't want it to.i made sure to get everything out of the way before putting the clips on. i wanted to be done completely moving for the night..because i knew, once i put them fuckers on, i was going to be trapped.i sat up in bed, putting one clip on one nipple, then gently putting my tit back down, and same for the other one. i layed down, and squinted and said "OUCH" a few different times. i'm totally ok with the clips being on my tits, up until they move around. i swear if having big tits wasnt such an awful curse as a child and teenager, having them even bigger as an adult, and being owned is just as worse!!! grrrrrrrrr. i could barely move my leg without my tit moving. i laid in bed, dreaming of being able to see Him in just a short time. my cunt was sore from coming my brains out to Him. already. but it ached even worse. by that time, i was so tired and worn out from breaking and crying, i just wanted to drift off into sleep...feeling Him so close to me.the last thing i remember thinking before i drifted off into sleep was, "fuck, i'm going to have to take these off by myself. pleease god dont make them stick to my nipple. pleeease dont make them pierce me when i take them off. fuck fuck fuck!" i must admit i had this sense of panic come over me. of course i could just as easy take the clips off, and lie to Master that i wore them all night. but i wanted this soooo bad. i'm the one who begged for this....and quite honestly, i'm sick of seeing how far away i can get away with something, and trying to get passed Him. i know whwere it gets me...i've been living the consequences of my anger and trying to show that i am strong, independant, dont need a man, dont need a daddy, and i dont need anyone to help get me off.i fell asleep. i was quite comfortable in the position i laid myself, with my bunny foo foo pressed against my tits so they wouldnt move. i'd woken up at one point in the night, and hadmoved, when i felt a really hard tug on my tit...it made me jolt and open my eyes in fucking pain torture! i tensed my body...but i was so tired,i fell right back asleep.i only ended up being able to endure the clips for about 4 hours or so....because it was some time after 6am that i woke up, not able to take it anymore, and knew i wouldnt be able to get back to sleep with them on.i sat up in bed, begging under neath my breath that my Master show mercy on me...pretending that somehow, He could hear me begging to be gentle with me. thinking He could hear the fear in my crying out....i was petrified to take them off. and i was wide awake with seering pain in my fucking tits. in that sort of mindset....all i could do is feel so sorry for everything i've ever done to Him. the things i've done that were against Him, and His will. all the hurt i've put on myself, that He's had to sit and watch me do, when He has so many other things He'd rather be doing with me. right then i felt angry, and i just didnt think, and took them BOTH off at the same time.i leaned over my leg, my head burried into my bed screeeeeching "MOTHERFUCKERRRR OUCHHHH OUCHHHH OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'MSORRY DADDY I'M FUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I'M SO SORRY BROKKKKKKENNNNNN!!!GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR."i cried for a few minutes. still so tired. i let myself see for a change that......i'm not strong...i can't get away with anything, that i do break!i was fucking broken. all night, since i put them on, i felt so trapped. trapped in such a sweet, secure, vulnerable way that i always dream of deep inside of being.i'm hundreds of miles away from Him right now.....that doesnt stop my heart from letting my Daddy in to hurting me the ways He wants to. breaking me right from where He is. i can't deny myself forever the inevitable....seriously....i'm fucked, i want to be a broken pain cunt. a come whore. a whipping canvas. a brainwashed puppet on a string. a walking talking carbon copy of my Masters will......a Daddys girl.


Sunday, July 5, 2009

i've not been to sleep....though i've laid in bed all night long....

my poor titties hurt from begging Master to let me sleep with my clips on all night the night before...i miss Him so terribly. i miss His hands taking my body.

i've been doing some writing...working through stuff... i wanna do all i can to keep myself on this track i have my hearts eyes set on....i dont wanna go back....

the more work i do, the more this veil seems to be lifting, and the blindness of something so beautiful and pure comes forth....servitude. the needing, longing, desiring to serve, give, and just completely surrender...not just to Masters hands, but completely conforming to His will, His purpose, His wants and needs and desires....

the count down starts today...10 more days until i get to see Him.....face to fucking face....i fear i'm going to tremble right in front of Him....i fear it in a good way.

yeah....i'm dreamy right now

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

i really miss my Daddy...how else can i say it

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

so i am finally deciding to get back to writing...

its so hot out here...but not as hot as it was earlier. i still feel the sand between my toes, in my hair, even on some parts of my skin.

i decided to allow myself a special treat and head to the beach today...with friends at that! who invited me to go even! all too often, i bitch piss moan and groan that i dont have any friends, and when i'm invited to do stuff, i always find SOME excuse not to go or something. i'm glad i chose differently...even if my aunts are pissed off at me right now.

i was able to do some writing, while "gossiping" the girl talk...laid out on a blanket, on the hot sand, watching the horizon, rich yachts coming towards the booeys and anchoring there.

sometimes i get into these modes where i dont write for so long, simply because i just dont have the want and will to spill the things out, in a tangible way, for anyone to read them...

however, i find myself ALWAYS in an internal battle for what i want most, and what i hate, but so use to. it takes me so far away from myself...from my Master even.

the last few days i've been trying to sit and write about all the things i'm angry at. when i finish writing for that time, i still don't feel complete, i dont feel any anger has lessened. it all still feels just as strong as it was when i started writing.

which, saying that to myself helps me truly believe my Master when He says that its always anger, its always father, always mother....

the tihngs i've been writing about that have me so angry, are all present stuff. i mean, for me they are as real as the green grass that my toes are sitting on...however, i need to reach back further than the things of the present... theres some anger even in resisting to go back to the root of things...so much resistance...too much work i say! but not really...work is the best thing for my soul. it opens me up, it focuses me on the task at hand, and it helps me learn about myself, and the constant compulsions i always seem to choose. i know i need to take more time to write about whats REALLY fucking pissing me off...whats REALLY eating away at my insides...even if its the same shit i deal with all the time inside my head.

so far, this is what i've come up with that has me bothered and angry...

My anger is risen…I feel it in more ways than not.
Right now I feel most of my anger directed at me. I feel so much anger, when I think about my marriage with tim. I’m angry that I feel as though I wasted so many years. Angry that I let him back in my life after being separated for over a year. Angry that I was still fucked up in the head when we tried to work things out. Angry that I pushed him away by cutting him down, trying to correct everything he did, not putting any faith or trust in him to make decisions, angry that I hit him, pushed him, fucked with his head. Angry that I too cheated on him. I loved two men at the same time and never told the either of them. I’m angry at myself for loving him so much, yet wishing he would be almost the opposite of who he was. Angry that he couldn’t stick by me. Angry that he never met any of my needs. Angry that all I fucking do is worry about comfort. I’m angry that I don’t have much of any closure with tim. Angry that he treated my heart as if I never had any sort of feelings. Angry that he found a younger girl with 4 kids, to give him what he wanted. Angry I couldn’t give him what he wanted.

I’m angry at my aunt for forcing so much shit down my throat. Angry that she holds onto me too, because of comfort. Angry that she made me feel so sad and guilty for all the hurt I caused her and making her cry and worry about me from using all the drugs..held my hair when I puked, stuck by my side through the abortion, yet throws it all aside because she’s so drunk. I’m angry that she shoved that coke in my fucking face. I’m angry at myself for not walking away. Angry at all the doors I let myself open to find it so hard to walk away from using drugs and alcohol. I’m angry that my aunt tries so hard to rectify her mistakes through me to make herself feel better. Angry that she doesn’t see me. Angry that she must have it her way or no way.

I’m angry at Meredith for walking out of my life. I’m angry that even if she fell off the wagon, she couldn’t contact me to let me know she couldn’t be my sponsor anymore. I’m angry that she just dropped me and totally forgot about me, as if I was nothing at all.

I’m angry that I feel so disposable to everyone in my life.

I’m angry at suzie for the way she treats lily sometimes. I’m angry that she doesn’t fucking do something with her life. Angry at how she takes her own anger and frustration out on lily. Angry that she wont talk about much, or remember the shit that has taken place in her own life. Angry that she wont see it, to help her and lily.

yeah....thats all i have right now....and even re reading it for me...still makes me angry reading it. i've not really faced the facts on some of these things...

the last few nights i've had hard dreams about tim....my whole failure with that, fear of being alone....and, its hard to talk with my Master about it, because tim is my soon to be ex husband..talking with about that with my Master, the Man that i love more than anything, and feel as though i am madly in love with..just seems awkward...then i also worry about pissing Him off, or even making Him feel awkward or hurting His feelings.

yep...definately some more work to do...

right now, i have to check out our new pool....

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


i'm such a horney fucking cunt!!! and as if adding the no cock for me because i'm a resistant, far away girl who is living in cyber land with her Master for the time being.......i add the complexities of an ache of being used, tortured, bound harshly, enduring for as long as He wants to let me....in the whole mix.

last september was the last time Master used me. its been too fucking long.

i'm getting excited and anxious and READY to come out there and beg Him to let me serve Him.

when i left Master for like the second time since being back here.....i met with a few different so called "doms".....i havent much time to go into any of it but......it was like playing with a toddler...it really sucked....then again, drunk, stoned, trippin, whatever i was on, still kept my perception to some degree as to what i was doing.....to these guys it was just "play" they just wanted to add a piece of young flesh to their books of use. i seriously *yawned* when being played with....completely stoned. i fucking HATE play....

i just want my Master....and i soooo wish He had like an outhouse or something that i could reside in, and live there, and have continuous, non-stop, agonizing training. i want to scream with tears, i want to beg Him to stop, i want to feel His body laying on top of mine again. i want to feel His fingers penetrate the deep inside of me. i want to feel His cock pounding my hole so hard it rips me to shreds and pokes my heart!

*salivating* *cunt so wet and achy*





phew....omg how quick that wasss.........*licks her fingers* i have to say, i taste bitterly sweet after a nice shower....if i havent showered...i dont want ANYONE down there! well, i dont like anyone going down there anyways.

i'm so fucked....and still so fucking horneey...

off to a poetry/lyricists lounge! i's excited!!!!!!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

i'm so not living in the servitude i'd most want to live in with Master...

i know He doesnt like me being far away. i know He'd feel better if i were closer to Him. even though He is fond of saying, to which i ALSO believe that, "you can live there or here, and the amount of openness or closedness would be up to me."

refering to the fact that even though i'm so far away, i could just as easily be closed off as i am here, as if i were there, and the same for being open. i could be just as open as i am here, as if i were there. its alllllllllllll a matter of will.

but there's so many things i feel in my body. not all physical, but yes, alot of physical feelings, and alot of emotional feelings that make me want to get on the first ride back to colorado. while i also feel stuck here, yet not doing anything about it.

i guess if i were so close to my parents, i'd feel the undying NEED to get the fuck outta dodge.

but i know Master does not like me here. He wants me closer.

i want to be closer. so that i can work on my stupid resistant ass cunt fuckhole servitude. to work closely with Him. to be only a few miles away. to be of service. to be broken by Him whenever He so well chooses it.

i only want Him to be the one to fill the achings and voids inside of my heart gut and cunt. He's the only one who's ever been able to do such things.

i want to be at the mercy of His single tail. of His chain flogger. of His icy hot cunt, fucking me with an ice dildo afterwards. i want the the hardest stuff of those. the electric fly swatter. i want to experience things i havent...and delve into His mindset and see all the other more miraculous things He's capable of doing to me.

i miss being tied so tight that i cant go anywhere, hwile He fucks me 7 ways to sunday!

i've been a pretty sick girl....and have not come in like a fucking week! UGHHHHHHHHHHH

Saturday, May 2, 2009

a sweet memory....

its living in my clit right now..

i've been a sick girl what seems for a good week or more. it started out with being my mouth, then now my throat, ears, and fever...all the great stuff. Master and i's schedule conflict, and the fact we have a 2 hour time difference, my resistance, and me being sick, Him being extremely music busy....makes it hard to find each other at a good time, online to be sexually intimate right now. i'm praying for all things to just go away, and the universe align so it is different.

even through being sick, i've been laying on and off all day, with my clit pulsating, thinking of some very intimate, sexual, humiliating, intense moments with Him....

one that has been permeating throughout my mind, gut and cunt lately is a time when....

after i begged to be with Him, (when i was living closer to Him), He allowed me to come over.

the second i put the key in the door, it opened, and i came inside. He was behind me and put His arms around my throat, and He whispers "clothes off little girl". i took my clothes off...i dont rmemeber how fast or slow i was...but i felt my clit jump into my throat!

after my clothes were off, i stood in the position He wants a girl to be in. naked, exposed, eyes closed, and hands behind her back. He stood there, i hated it. i always feel uncomfortable when i know He is watching my ugly, naked body. its humiliating in a good way, but so scary vulnerable...and something i dont give to anyone......

He grabbed my hair and led me through His house, down to His cellar basement. my bare feet felt the sandy floor...it was awful. my naked body exposed to the cold, creepy air down there. i was excited just as i was scared. its humiliating when He does things to me, and when He puts His hand to my cunt, He can see how wet i have become. not something i can hide easily.

He put a remote control vibrator inside of me. put me against a wooden beam in His closet sized basement/cellar. He put my arms above my head, and tied my wrists around the beam. He then wrapped more rope around my belly and the beam. then my knee's, and then my feet. i was completely apart of this beam. i was trapped. fucked. i looked above my head, and there were fucking spider webs right by my hands. there is one small window to my left.

my 2 biggest fears....spiders and the dark. mix them together, they equal a fucking heart attack!

Master puts the remote to the vibrator in my hand, whips me a few times in the belly with the remaining rope....and says, "maybe i'll be back. i'm going for a walk"

Master turns around, walks out, turns the lights off, and shuts the floor door.

my eyes got big....the vibrator went on......FUCKKKKK.......

i was screaming through a gag, yet so close to coming. what does that say about me? to let my cunt rule? to let my comes just ooze out of me, instead of screaming for the fears i'm faced with!?!?!?!

i'm looking around...just a smidgen bit of light that is useless. the spiderwebs not visible anymore...but i know they are there....what if a fucking spider comes?

i start screaming..........then i started coming. thats all i could think about...coming....coming...coming.....coming. i couldnt stop coming.

i started panicking. "is he coming back? pleeease dont leave me here pleease? did He forget about me? did He forget He tied me up down here???"

i started screaming for mercy. crying. breaking. drooling from the gag. i was petrified. petrified in the Dominion, control of my Master. i was scared. but fucked enough to know that He probably could have gone even further, and i'd still be fucked by Him.

was i going to get bit my a spider? was a bat gonna come flying in? was a snake gonna find its way and slither towards me? what if a spider got to me, and crawled all over me, and seeped in some sort of opening in my body? what if it nested inside of me? what if more spiders came? what if more bugs found its way to me?

coming and screaming all at the same time.

i found myself thanking Him deep inside. forced to face my fears. alone...but not really alone. He was able to go about and get His exercise in. take care of things...knowing He had a comed out, scared shitless, worthless girl in His basement.

"pleeeeasee DAddy pleeease i'm sorry. so sorry pleeeeease come get me!!!"

i broke! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr dammmit!

He came down about a half hour later...not totally for sure.

i was full of tears an my whole world came back together when i saw the light of that floor door open up. He was coming to save me. claim me back. He stared at me. He wiped the tears from my eyes, liked the drool coming from my mouth. He untied me....took me upstairs.

He threw me on His bed and took my hole.

i sit here, and still feel His body. the weight of Him on top of me. telling me to wrap my legs around Daddy. to bring Him closer inside.

i am the kind that keeps her eyes closed when she is coming...but when i keep them open, and stare into His eyes...the Man who's same hands and mind who had me tied to His basement beam. left me alone, to come by myself, leaving me to the spiders and god knows what else is down in that basement, and in the dark...screaming for mercy. pushing my limits. the same Man who gets me to breaking points of feeling like ahelpless little girl who has no alternative but to cry out for help from her Daddy.......

this is love to me. this is sacred. this is why my heart is where He is. and i'm never alone. and no matter how hard i try to escape my heart....it always calls me back home. and so does He...even if He doesnt act or say anything.....i always find my way back.

i love You Master.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

a humiliating confession

whenever i'm in the woods. i look at the ground filled with dry, broken leaves. rough bushes. wide, tall tree's full of bark.

i dream of being taken out into the woods. gagged and tied. not allowed to say anything. nothing said to me. naked and barefooted i am. exposed completely.

i get so wet, and butterfly's fly around my belly when i think of my bare ass being tied to the tree. my nipples tied into a little knot, with rope being tied to the tree branches. i can't squirm. i can't move at all. my neck, shoulders, belly, knees, ankles, completely tied against the tree.

i dream of Master having several different sizes of branches from the tree.

testing, each and every single one of them out. seeing which one makes me scream louder and louder. i beg Him to let me come, to take away from the pain. but i get no release. no nothing. just an outside whipping post. no care as to what i think or feel. just used for His want and His need.

i dream of begging Him to turn me around, whip my back and ass, to give my tits and stomach and cunt a break. i dream of me riding and humping the tree with my clit. so rough, and so degrading. the only pleasure i get is from rubbing my cunt against the bark wood of a tree.

i dream of hearing my sounds echo throughout the woods. no one to hear. no one to save me.

i need to come now.

Monday, April 27, 2009

i'm certainly a massochist to a degree....

but the pain in my mouth is beyond farenheits! FUCK.

i've been missing Master. He's a high, in demand Guy, and a music Genius with big schedules.

i need to keep my fucking eyes open, from the past as i've always done things with Him, and see about trying things differently.

i.e. staying closer to Him, rather than running as far away as i can, just to prove some stupid fucking point that wont add up to one iota. i need to address things, like an adult, and stay present, like an adult!

psssssst...i am sooo done with this semester!

i wonder if there is like, such a thing as end of semester whippings???? mmmmmmm

a girl can dream.

i could also beg too.

i love Him so much. i really do.

Friday, April 24, 2009

tongue'd are us...

while its still fresh,

while my tongue is still numb. while my tits still ache.

i got to see Master tonight online. i missed Him. and was so happy i came home and got to see Him. i've been aching. aching for His hand. aching to endure and hurt for Him.

after resistance, i fucking caved. i had to. the only other alternative was ignoring my clit, the obvious, to which i should know better by now....i need to start associating ignoring clit to icy hot! nooooooooo more of that pleeeeease!

He told me of a girl in the collarme chatroom that was cute in her little gagball. and indeed, it was cute. it made me envious. i want a gag ball. i miss Master using it on me. the feel of my jaw being stretched. kept wide open, yet my plea's and moans muffled. a big pile of drooling mess all around me....just like tonight : )

when i begged for His hand, He said something to the effect of "its a good thing i dont make you clip my tits and run the other chain through, to my tongue.

*sigh in a dreamy way* i had to. i had to beg for that. i might have figured to do something that on my own eventually. but..ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i wanted it. i wanted it like a hungry baby wants momma's titty for milk.

i thought if i used the regular clamps on my tits, it would be less painful there, but more painful for the clovers on my tongue. i'd tried thinking the whole process through, but all i wanted more than anything was to fucking touch my cunt and come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i made a big heaping pool of drool all over my sheets. it was soooooo hard for me to move my head too much. i'm a loud moaner, and i like to move my head and close my eyes. but everytime i moved by head, my clamped tongue pulled on my tits which also pulled on my tongue. it was sweet agony. i was laying on my tits alot, balancing myself on them and my knees while one hand did the typing, and the other was on my clit, soaking wet, hot, humiliated.

He's going to teach me. He's not going to let me go, unless i fucking run off, like i do alot. i need to stop putting that on myself too, and just let Him rub it in my face in the ways He wants to.

having the clips on my tongue....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i found myself whimpering like a fucking puppy through the pulsations of pain on my tongue. having the clips is enough to never ever EVER want to even imagine getting my tongue pierced. Master is not into piercings, and i've been quite the rebellious one about tattoo's and piercings.
having mmy tongue clipped, made me want to keep my truths coming out. not suppressed. not hidden. it was honestly like, for once, i didnt feel shame for the things i said. they were true. and i felt so connected to Him. on such a level. it was like something i felt with Him, the times i was with Him in person. its so emotional. so deep. so sacred.

i AM a Daddys girl. i always have been! not literally, but inside. my heart. my little girl. she's wanted to cling. attatch herself to her Daddy and just watch Him. listen to Him. pay close attention. learn from Him. hump Him. suck Him. be made a woman by my Daddy.

whats soooo wrong about that??? ughhhhhhhhhhhh!

man my tongue hurts.

man am i falling harder for Him.

man...i'm fucked.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

i'm feeling stress. i need a reliever.
while i feel as though my desire to feel pain is much more than deep seeded....simply put...

it makes me wet.

i'm making it a personal choice to not hurt myself, without Master's approval first. unless He says so, or knows. i want to be careful to watch that line being drawn between, doing it because it only pleases me, and doing it because i want Master to be pleased. if that makes sense.

i could just as easily, grab a knife, carve on my flesh, take a belt, and whip the anger out of me for a moments time, wear my clips until i'm biting the flesh on my arm in not being able to stand the pain anymore. i could use phone cords, or any cords, to feel the sting, and the marks, (to which i just found out about maybe 2 weeks ago.)

but this stupid slave has spent most of her time in being His slave, inflicting my own pain. under my own terms. own conditions. own anger. i want it to be His fucking turn.

i suppose part of the masochism in all this, is that i ache and yearn to feel pain, as a release, to come....but thats just it. i ache for it so much right now. its painful : ).

so, i'll endure. i'll wait. i'll stay in agony. in a sweet way.

i'm letting go. i'm giving in, to being owned.

i feel free.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

a night with ropes

the other night...

ughhhhh what a dream it was. i mean, it was real. but it just felt so real. special.

i'd begged Master to let me endure for Him. i had a genuine need, an ache, to serve Him. He said something to the effect of me spending the night, showing Him what a slut i was for Him and one of His ex slaves. He instructed me to put rope between my cunt, so i would not neglect, nor forget my clit. to wear the rope, to where it would make me want to come.

one of many Masters protocals, is that when in His presence, online or in person, we must ask permission to touch our clits. we must ask "Master may slave girl have Your hand please?"
i resist this so much. i guess if i were to really stop and think and disect on it....its the resistance of not letting a man have THAT much control over me, to the point i have to beg to touch myself? WTF! but i know that, that is the angry ways, and voices, of my good ole mother dearest. who is rigid, cold, hard, crass, and spiteful of men, eventhough she cant seem to want to find the will in herself to leave her pedophile of a husband.grrrrrrrrrrr! but anyways....

as i was saying, i put this rope on, my initial thought was, "wow...this is pretty constricted!" i thought it might have been Master approved. the second my hands fell to the side, after i'd put the rope around my waist, and through my cunt and ass crack, almost like in the form of a sumo wrestler, i immediately wanted to come. i walked from my bedroom to my bathroom, and couldnt stop myself from coming. it was so bittersweet. or hot, and sweetly bitter. i love the feeling of letting go. i love the feeling of my comes just seeping out of me. it makes me feel..................captured, like i'm not defective, that all my parts work. that i am owned. at the same time, it was bitter in the fact of, again, letting someone have THAT much control over me. and i know, He only has as much control as i give to Him. the adult, sane part of me, wants Him to have EVERYthing. every nook and cranny of me. til i'm left gutted, open, raw, exposed, melted into His nothingness. His worthlessness.
all the same, i spent my childhood, teenage years, being so fucking angry inside, because of my parents and them constantly trying to have this manipulating, angery, revengeful control/hold over me. i vowed i'd never ever give myself to any one. EVER....and here i am :)

after coming twice with the rope. i begged for Masters hand. it was so hot. so sweet. so humiliating to be seen as the fucking come slut that i REALLY fucking am! i suprise myself sometimes even. i was getting angry too. angry because i was scared. scared because He was seeing me. the real me. the love in me. my heart. my light.

after quite a period of time of coming, i begged to come down. after i came down, i just asked if i could fall asleep, like this, with the rope on. He granted me that priveldge.

thats exactely what i did. coming takes alot out of a girl. its nice to have the laptop too, where i dont have to getup from a computer screen if i dont want to. i can just lay here, like i did the other night, and just fall asleep right where He left me.

the sweetest part, was when i woke up the next morning, the rope was still on me, and He was online.....it was ike i stayed the night with Him.

i know it would sound stupid, silly, unsatisfying to some...but for me??? it was perfect. even after i took the rope off, i was still begging to come more.


your getting yourself into love little girl. thats what i told myself : )

i needed...

i needed a place, outside of my online social network, where i could express, soley my truest truths, my experiences as being owned again, by the Master who's will, sadicsm, strength, dominance, care, heart, and dreams, align with what aches deep inside of me.
i want a place where i can express myself, outwardly, and have the priveldge to think outloud my thoughts and experiences with Him, without feeling as though i have to protect myself.

i first met my Master, in an AOL bdsm chatroom, back in the end of 2006. April 9, 2007, i had First Meeting with Him. First Meeting is Masters ritual to owning a girl. It's an account of many stories He's had, with each new girl He has acquired. for me, it was the beginning of the rest of my life. i replay my First Meeting alot sometimes in my mind. the things that i wish i could have changed, and the many more things that were just perfect.

after First Meeting, i moved out to colorado a month later. i'd been seperated from my husband for about 6 months, give or take, no kids, living with my aunts, had a good job with benefits and 401k, but i was unsafe. i've a father who just wouldnt leave me alone. in more ways than 10. SO....i packed what i could in my little $400 beater car, and drove about a quarter or more across the country, to start my life over.

during that time, i fell deepr and deeper in love with Him. with that though, came lots of work that i wasn't allowing myself to face. He has this spirit about Him, that could make a girl confess lots of her childhood, if her heart is open. but i've also learned that, talking about my past, wasnt the only thing i had to do....i had to face it, and let go of the old ways i believed, and was shown. thats the real work.

my husband ended up moving out to colorado, and we ended up getting back together. Master had another slave girl that moved to colorado a few weeks after i did, and her and i got an apartment together. so many things i wish i would have done different with that as well. when my husband and i got back together, we moved out of that apartment and got a place of our own.

i left my Master.

soon things quickly diminished AGAIN with my husband, things happened, i was going deeper into an addiction i thought was hopeless to get out of. we ended up moving back to our home state. and i've been miserable since i crossed the state lines.

as of today, i am HAPPILY, contently, peacefully, back with my Master. after many exchanged and putting my hands in a constant fire, i realized that my calling, my heart gut and cunt, are just simply alligned with my Master.

my Master says that the only reason two people should be together, is if their path is the same. His belief in that, didn't solidify my reason for believing it as well, rather, i see the evidence of His beliefs. all of His girls, including me, at one point or another, say we tell Him what He wants to here. we are all guilty of it. including this lying cunt writing this....but His beliefs and His ways of life.....always have evidence. and He is the biggest example of them all.

our relationship as of right now, is online. in some ways, its easier to maintain it on here, but only because its AFTER i have been with Him. i know His smell. i know His look. i know His touch. i know His cock. i know His whips and hands. i know His punishments. i know His truths.

it amazes me that when my heart is open, and i am receptive and open, internet means nothing. distance means nothing. He still has His ways of breaking me. keeping me. and owning me.

more to come.