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Thursday, April 23, 2009

i'm feeling stress. i need a reliever.
while i feel as though my desire to feel pain is much more than deep seeded....simply put...

it makes me wet.

i'm making it a personal choice to not hurt myself, without Master's approval first. unless He says so, or knows. i want to be careful to watch that line being drawn between, doing it because it only pleases me, and doing it because i want Master to be pleased. if that makes sense.

i could just as easily, grab a knife, carve on my flesh, take a belt, and whip the anger out of me for a moments time, wear my clips until i'm biting the flesh on my arm in not being able to stand the pain anymore. i could use phone cords, or any cords, to feel the sting, and the marks, (to which i just found out about maybe 2 weeks ago.)

but this stupid slave has spent most of her time in being His slave, inflicting my own pain. under my own terms. own conditions. own anger. i want it to be His fucking turn.

i suppose part of the masochism in all this, is that i ache and yearn to feel pain, as a release, to come....but thats just it. i ache for it so much right now. its painful : ).

so, i'll endure. i'll wait. i'll stay in agony. in a sweet way.

i'm letting go. i'm giving in, to being owned.

i feel free.