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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

a humiliating confession

whenever i'm in the woods. i look at the ground filled with dry, broken leaves. rough bushes. wide, tall tree's full of bark.

i dream of being taken out into the woods. gagged and tied. not allowed to say anything. nothing said to me. naked and barefooted i am. exposed completely.

i get so wet, and butterfly's fly around my belly when i think of my bare ass being tied to the tree. my nipples tied into a little knot, with rope being tied to the tree branches. i can't squirm. i can't move at all. my neck, shoulders, belly, knees, ankles, completely tied against the tree.

i dream of Master having several different sizes of branches from the tree.

testing, each and every single one of them out. seeing which one makes me scream louder and louder. i beg Him to let me come, to take away from the pain. but i get no release. no nothing. just an outside whipping post. no care as to what i think or feel. just used for His want and His need.

i dream of begging Him to turn me around, whip my back and ass, to give my tits and stomach and cunt a break. i dream of me riding and humping the tree with my clit. so rough, and so degrading. the only pleasure i get is from rubbing my cunt against the bark wood of a tree.

i dream of hearing my sounds echo throughout the woods. no one to hear. no one to save me.

i need to come now.

Monday, April 27, 2009

i'm certainly a massochist to a degree....

but the pain in my mouth is beyond farenheits! FUCK.

i've been missing Master. He's a high, in demand Guy, and a music Genius with big schedules.

i need to keep my fucking eyes open, from the past as i've always done things with Him, and see about trying things differently.

i.e. staying closer to Him, rather than running as far away as i can, just to prove some stupid fucking point that wont add up to one iota. i need to address things, like an adult, and stay present, like an adult!

psssssst...i am sooo done with this semester!

i wonder if there is like, such a thing as end of semester whippings???? mmmmmmm

a girl can dream.

i could also beg too.

i love Him so much. i really do.

Friday, April 24, 2009

tongue'd are us...

while its still fresh,

while my tongue is still numb. while my tits still ache.

i got to see Master tonight online. i missed Him. and was so happy i came home and got to see Him. i've been aching. aching for His hand. aching to endure and hurt for Him.

after resistance, i fucking caved. i had to. the only other alternative was ignoring my clit, the obvious, to which i should know better by now....i need to start associating ignoring clit to icy hot! nooooooooo more of that pleeeeease!

He told me of a girl in the collarme chatroom that was cute in her little gagball. and indeed, it was cute. it made me envious. i want a gag ball. i miss Master using it on me. the feel of my jaw being stretched. kept wide open, yet my plea's and moans muffled. a big pile of drooling mess all around me....just like tonight : )

when i begged for His hand, He said something to the effect of "its a good thing i dont make you clip my tits and run the other chain through, to my tongue.

*sigh in a dreamy way* i had to. i had to beg for that. i might have figured to do something that on my own eventually. but..ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i wanted it. i wanted it like a hungry baby wants momma's titty for milk.

i thought if i used the regular clamps on my tits, it would be less painful there, but more painful for the clovers on my tongue. i'd tried thinking the whole process through, but all i wanted more than anything was to fucking touch my cunt and come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i made a big heaping pool of drool all over my sheets. it was soooooo hard for me to move my head too much. i'm a loud moaner, and i like to move my head and close my eyes. but everytime i moved by head, my clamped tongue pulled on my tits which also pulled on my tongue. it was sweet agony. i was laying on my tits alot, balancing myself on them and my knees while one hand did the typing, and the other was on my clit, soaking wet, hot, humiliated.

He's going to teach me. He's not going to let me go, unless i fucking run off, like i do alot. i need to stop putting that on myself too, and just let Him rub it in my face in the ways He wants to.

having the clips on my tongue....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i found myself whimpering like a fucking puppy through the pulsations of pain on my tongue. having the clips is enough to never ever EVER want to even imagine getting my tongue pierced. Master is not into piercings, and i've been quite the rebellious one about tattoo's and piercings.
having mmy tongue clipped, made me want to keep my truths coming out. not suppressed. not hidden. it was honestly like, for once, i didnt feel shame for the things i said. they were true. and i felt so connected to Him. on such a level. it was like something i felt with Him, the times i was with Him in person. its so emotional. so deep. so sacred.

i AM a Daddys girl. i always have been! not literally, but inside. my heart. my little girl. she's wanted to cling. attatch herself to her Daddy and just watch Him. listen to Him. pay close attention. learn from Him. hump Him. suck Him. be made a woman by my Daddy.

whats soooo wrong about that??? ughhhhhhhhhhhh!

man my tongue hurts.

man am i falling harder for Him.

man...i'm fucked.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

i'm feeling stress. i need a reliever.
while i feel as though my desire to feel pain is much more than deep seeded....simply put...

it makes me wet.

i'm making it a personal choice to not hurt myself, without Master's approval first. unless He says so, or knows. i want to be careful to watch that line being drawn between, doing it because it only pleases me, and doing it because i want Master to be pleased. if that makes sense.

i could just as easily, grab a knife, carve on my flesh, take a belt, and whip the anger out of me for a moments time, wear my clips until i'm biting the flesh on my arm in not being able to stand the pain anymore. i could use phone cords, or any cords, to feel the sting, and the marks, (to which i just found out about maybe 2 weeks ago.)

but this stupid slave has spent most of her time in being His slave, inflicting my own pain. under my own terms. own conditions. own anger. i want it to be His fucking turn.

i suppose part of the masochism in all this, is that i ache and yearn to feel pain, as a release, to come....but thats just it. i ache for it so much right now. its painful : ).

so, i'll endure. i'll wait. i'll stay in agony. in a sweet way.

i'm letting go. i'm giving in, to being owned.

i feel free.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

a night with ropes

the other night...

ughhhhh what a dream it was. i mean, it was real. but it just felt so real. special.

i'd begged Master to let me endure for Him. i had a genuine need, an ache, to serve Him. He said something to the effect of me spending the night, showing Him what a slut i was for Him and one of His ex slaves. He instructed me to put rope between my cunt, so i would not neglect, nor forget my clit. to wear the rope, to where it would make me want to come.

one of many Masters protocals, is that when in His presence, online or in person, we must ask permission to touch our clits. we must ask "Master may slave girl have Your hand please?"
i resist this so much. i guess if i were to really stop and think and disect on it....its the resistance of not letting a man have THAT much control over me, to the point i have to beg to touch myself? WTF! but i know that, that is the angry ways, and voices, of my good ole mother dearest. who is rigid, cold, hard, crass, and spiteful of men, eventhough she cant seem to want to find the will in herself to leave her pedophile of a husband.grrrrrrrrrrr! but anyways....

as i was saying, i put this rope on, my initial thought was, "wow...this is pretty constricted!" i thought it might have been Master approved. the second my hands fell to the side, after i'd put the rope around my waist, and through my cunt and ass crack, almost like in the form of a sumo wrestler, i immediately wanted to come. i walked from my bedroom to my bathroom, and couldnt stop myself from coming. it was so bittersweet. or hot, and sweetly bitter. i love the feeling of letting go. i love the feeling of my comes just seeping out of me. it makes me feel..................captured, like i'm not defective, that all my parts work. that i am owned. at the same time, it was bitter in the fact of, again, letting someone have THAT much control over me. and i know, He only has as much control as i give to Him. the adult, sane part of me, wants Him to have EVERYthing. every nook and cranny of me. til i'm left gutted, open, raw, exposed, melted into His nothingness. His worthlessness.
all the same, i spent my childhood, teenage years, being so fucking angry inside, because of my parents and them constantly trying to have this manipulating, angery, revengeful control/hold over me. i vowed i'd never ever give myself to any one. EVER....and here i am :)

after coming twice with the rope. i begged for Masters hand. it was so hot. so sweet. so humiliating to be seen as the fucking come slut that i REALLY fucking am! i suprise myself sometimes even. i was getting angry too. angry because i was scared. scared because He was seeing me. the real me. the love in me. my heart. my light.

after quite a period of time of coming, i begged to come down. after i came down, i just asked if i could fall asleep, like this, with the rope on. He granted me that priveldge.

thats exactely what i did. coming takes alot out of a girl. its nice to have the laptop too, where i dont have to getup from a computer screen if i dont want to. i can just lay here, like i did the other night, and just fall asleep right where He left me.

the sweetest part, was when i woke up the next morning, the rope was still on me, and He was online.....it was ike i stayed the night with Him.

i know it would sound stupid, silly, unsatisfying to some...but for me??? it was perfect. even after i took the rope off, i was still begging to come more.


your getting yourself into love little girl. thats what i told myself : )

i needed...

i needed a place, outside of my online social network, where i could express, soley my truest truths, my experiences as being owned again, by the Master who's will, sadicsm, strength, dominance, care, heart, and dreams, align with what aches deep inside of me.
i want a place where i can express myself, outwardly, and have the priveldge to think outloud my thoughts and experiences with Him, without feeling as though i have to protect myself.

i first met my Master, in an AOL bdsm chatroom, back in the end of 2006. April 9, 2007, i had First Meeting with Him. First Meeting is Masters ritual to owning a girl. It's an account of many stories He's had, with each new girl He has acquired. for me, it was the beginning of the rest of my life. i replay my First Meeting alot sometimes in my mind. the things that i wish i could have changed, and the many more things that were just perfect.

after First Meeting, i moved out to colorado a month later. i'd been seperated from my husband for about 6 months, give or take, no kids, living with my aunts, had a good job with benefits and 401k, but i was unsafe. i've a father who just wouldnt leave me alone. in more ways than 10. SO....i packed what i could in my little $400 beater car, and drove about a quarter or more across the country, to start my life over.

during that time, i fell deepr and deeper in love with Him. with that though, came lots of work that i wasn't allowing myself to face. He has this spirit about Him, that could make a girl confess lots of her childhood, if her heart is open. but i've also learned that, talking about my past, wasnt the only thing i had to do....i had to face it, and let go of the old ways i believed, and was shown. thats the real work.

my husband ended up moving out to colorado, and we ended up getting back together. Master had another slave girl that moved to colorado a few weeks after i did, and her and i got an apartment together. so many things i wish i would have done different with that as well. when my husband and i got back together, we moved out of that apartment and got a place of our own.

i left my Master.

soon things quickly diminished AGAIN with my husband, things happened, i was going deeper into an addiction i thought was hopeless to get out of. we ended up moving back to our home state. and i've been miserable since i crossed the state lines.

as of today, i am HAPPILY, contently, peacefully, back with my Master. after many exchanged and putting my hands in a constant fire, i realized that my calling, my heart gut and cunt, are just simply alligned with my Master.

my Master says that the only reason two people should be together, is if their path is the same. His belief in that, didn't solidify my reason for believing it as well, rather, i see the evidence of His beliefs. all of His girls, including me, at one point or another, say we tell Him what He wants to here. we are all guilty of it. including this lying cunt writing this....but His beliefs and His ways of life.....always have evidence. and He is the biggest example of them all.

our relationship as of right now, is online. in some ways, its easier to maintain it on here, but only because its AFTER i have been with Him. i know His smell. i know His look. i know His touch. i know His cock. i know His whips and hands. i know His punishments. i know His truths.

it amazes me that when my heart is open, and i am receptive and open, internet means nothing. distance means nothing. He still has His ways of breaking me. keeping me. and owning me.

more to come.