slappy tittie comes

so late/early in the morning....i think i passed the final kidney stone.....it was theeeeeeeeeeee worse thing EVER!!! i'd rather beg to wear sand papered bras for the REST of my life, if i was promised to never ever again feel the pain of a kidney stone.....

last night when i saw Master, i ached for Him. still reeling from my awful belly pain...i wanted to feel closer to Him. being so far away right now, any infliction He puts on me, makes me feel closer to Him, even if that means i'm doing it myself....the mere fact that i'm asking/begging to let pain be inflicted on me is a huge feat, since i'm usually one to do it all anyways.

Master allowed me to slap my titties until i comed. i comed REALLLLY hard. i didnt care if anyone could hear slap noises coming from my room, or the whimpering. i was scared to touch my clit as far as rubbing goes, because of the stones i passed early in the morning, but after i comed hard from slapping my tits, i needed to come from my clit.

its intimate for me, when i do something that my Master may not even know i really did. it holds me closer to Him....and i think He would know whether or not i do as He says, by my presence. its easy for me to get away from things because i'm so far away from Him in distance right now. but, i could be in the same room with Him, and feel even further away than what distance could do. i run away alot, i hide, i resist.....and i ache to have that shit taken away. but it all comes from my own will.

i'm tired of running, i'm tired of getting away with shit. or so i think i'm getting away with something. His worse punishment ever.................is letting a girl get away with it....

OUCH.

thank You Daddy for the slappy tittie comes last night. and for the hard, low, breaking clitty come.

i love You.

this girl really needs her Daddy...

i hate hurting when its not inflicted by Him........

i hate hurting when i don't even choose to hurt.

sandpapered tits

while i begged and begged for my Master's punishment and devotion of wearing sand paper in my bra for a whole day, the agonizing pain was kind of short lived by the seering pain of passing kidney stones....i'd never ever experienced it before and when i did??? OMG! i was quite the trooper i thought for a little while, dealing with the pain not wanting to wake anyone up....but it just ended up getting too intense and i was begging and pleading for help.

all day yesterday, after th enight before when i ripped the sand paper out of my bra after wearing them for almost 9 hours....the pain was fucking unbearable!

i thought i was getting off kind of easy, which seemed like a relief, and a disappointment all at the same time.....when i put the sand paper in my bra i just thought, "oh this wont be hard at all, my big tits are in this bra good, not much moving around, etc. et.c" but noooo way! after awhile, it was fucking HORRIBLE!!!

i wasnt able to even wait for Master's approval to take them out....i couldnt do it anymore! i broke! in the way He wants me to be. i felt scared to move in any direction, in any way. i'm thankful and blessed He gave me the gift of enduring and hurting and devoting my property to Him.

the constant burning has gone away, but i do still feel the pangs of my poor nipples sore and on fire now and then....as if there is a really bad rash on my tits.....

i want to hold onto this pain, and allow Him to inflict as much as He wishes onto me, instead of me doing all the hurting to myself.

its about time i give something to Him...

for me, time to get more sleep.....pleeeeae let these stones pass or whatever the fuck they have to do! this fucking HURTS!

a poem

i wrote this poem for my Master awhile ago....

it was so great to see Him.....not so great to leave and be so far away from Him. it was so great to see faith, connect deeper with her, and share the time we did. i'm missing her so bad. there are some things, that a poly relationship is so healthy for....she adds to that.

sigh.... i will write more later...i just wanted to share my poem...

as i openly start to face my day,
i feel the tug of Your care, guiding my way.
each step i take, i want it to count,
each breath i take, i want my heart to surmount.
the pull of Your force, of all that is bright,
and my heart molded to life, this is my sight.
You have Your wants and all Your dreams,
i want them all, without my anger's extremes.
my heart opens up, and i know i could fall,
deep into the darkness, and fear of it all.
but thats so much harder, than being real.
i am home when my cunt, responds to how i feel.
You are my mountains and You are my sun,
and more than anything, i want us to be molded into one.
Unison and peace, harmony and love,
i know i capable, of all the above.
i may walk this day, with empty hands,
but Your will surrounds me, like the ocean's sands.
i know You, i want You, and all You represent,
i want to stand not for the past, but what is present.
i want to be Your slave, Your anger and cow,
i need You to teach me Master, please show me how.
a cree i'll make, for each day i awake,
"how can i please Him, all for His sake?"
because when i follow You,i know my heart is true.
and when i vulnerably face the day,i am facing towards You.

one clipped night

one of the things that boggle my mind, yet drive me insanely hot, is when a girl has to beg for her own poison. its fucked up some of the things i beg for...and i don't do it nearly enough either.i begged Master about a week ago to allow me to wear my clips on my tits all night. i'd done it twice before...i know i was going to be hurting...and thats exactely what i wanted. i wanted to hurt, i wanted to suffer and endure....for Master. for once, i had to admit to myself, that i wanted to hurt for HIM, not for me. i didn't want to feel any sort of pain because of some self destructive scheme i always had going on in my head. i didnt want it to overcompensate for cutting myself, or to use drugs or any sort of chemical. i wanted to fall asleep to my tits being clipped...for my Daddy. when Master said, "go ahead litte girl" after begging to put the clips on, my heart sank in such a good way. i felt butterflies in my stomache. i felt like........ughhhh this is so embarassing!!!...................... i felt like i was actually sleeping with Him. distance wasn't going to fuck with how my Daddy breaks me. i didn't want it to.i made sure to get everything out of the way before putting the clips on. i wanted to be done completely moving for the night..because i knew, once i put them fuckers on, i was going to be trapped.i sat up in bed, putting one clip on one nipple, then gently putting my tit back down, and same for the other one. i layed down, and squinted and said "OUCH" a few different times. i'm totally ok with the clips being on my tits, up until they move around. i swear if having big tits wasnt such an awful curse as a child and teenager, having them even bigger as an adult, and being owned is just as worse!!! grrrrrrrrr. i could barely move my leg without my tit moving. i laid in bed, dreaming of being able to see Him in just a short time. my cunt was sore from coming my brains out to Him. already. but it ached even worse. by that time, i was so tired and worn out from breaking and crying, i just wanted to drift off into sleep...feeling Him so close to me.the last thing i remember thinking before i drifted off into sleep was, "fuck, i'm going to have to take these off by myself. pleease god dont make them stick to my nipple. pleeease dont make them pierce me when i take them off. fuck fuck fuck!" i must admit i had this sense of panic come over me. of course i could just as easy take the clips off, and lie to Master that i wore them all night. but i wanted this soooo bad. i'm the one who begged for this....and quite honestly, i'm sick of seeing how far away i can get away with something, and trying to get passed Him. i know whwere it gets me...i've been living the consequences of my anger and trying to show that i am strong, independant, dont need a man, dont need a daddy, and i dont need anyone to help get me off.i fell asleep. i was quite comfortable in the position i laid myself, with my bunny foo foo pressed against my tits so they wouldnt move. i'd woken up at one point in the night, and hadmoved, when i felt a really hard tug on my tit...it made me jolt and open my eyes in fucking pain torture! i tensed my body...but i was so tired,i fell right back asleep.i only ended up being able to endure the clips for about 4 hours or so....because it was some time after 6am that i woke up, not able to take it anymore, and knew i wouldnt be able to get back to sleep with them on.i sat up in bed, begging under neath my breath that my Master show mercy on me...pretending that somehow, He could hear me begging to be gentle with me. thinking He could hear the fear in my crying out....i was petrified to take them off. and i was wide awake with seering pain in my fucking tits. in that sort of mindset....all i could do is feel so sorry for everything i've ever done to Him. the things i've done that were against Him, and His will. all the hurt i've put on myself, that He's had to sit and watch me do, when He has so many other things He'd rather be doing with me. right then i felt angry, and i just didnt think, and took them BOTH off at the same time.i leaned over my leg, my head burried into my bed screeeeeching "MOTHERFUCKERRRR OUCHHHH OUCHHHH OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'MSORRY DADDY I'M FUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I'M SO SORRY BROKKKKKKENNNNNN!!!GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR."i cried for a few minutes. still so tired. i let myself see for a change that......i'm not strong...i can't get away with anything, that i do break!i was fucking broken. all night, since i put them on, i felt so trapped. trapped in such a sweet, secure, vulnerable way that i always dream of deep inside of being.i'm hundreds of miles away from Him right now.....that doesnt stop my heart from letting my Daddy in to hurting me the ways He wants to. breaking me right from where He is. i can't deny myself forever the inevitable....seriously....i'm fucked, i want to be a broken pain cunt. a come whore. a whipping canvas. a brainwashed puppet on a string. a walking talking carbon copy of my Masters will......a Daddys girl.

FUCK!

i've not been to sleep....though i've laid in bed all night long....

my poor titties hurt from begging Master to let me sleep with my clips on all night the night before...i miss Him so terribly. i miss His hands taking my body.

i've been doing some writing...working through stuff... i wanna do all i can to keep myself on this track i have my hearts eyes set on....i dont wanna go back....

the more work i do, the more this veil seems to be lifting, and the blindness of something so beautiful and pure comes forth....servitude. the needing, longing, desiring to serve, give, and just completely surrender...not just to Masters hands, but completely conforming to His will, His purpose, His wants and needs and desires....

the count down starts today...10 more days until i get to see Him.....face to fucking face....i fear i'm going to tremble right in front of Him....i fear it in a good way.

yeah....i'm dreamy right now

i really miss my Daddy...how else can i say it